It is 1:38am and i sit here, casually sipping on my black tea, realising that if i had any slight attempt in placing my head down in the hopes of sleeping, that it would all be in vein. I have entered a certain phase that i willingly volunteer to when certain large stress related issues are removed from my shoulders. Its one that keeps me awake all throughout the early hours of the morning persuading myself that if i actually did sleep, it would be a waste of hours on potentially useful time well spent in doing absolutely.. nothing. I know this, but i still willingly keep myself occupied in the hopes of something interesting may spontaneously enter my life and keep me entertained for those brief moments of utter bordom and procrastination. But to no avail.. the only thing i have found remotely interesting to do is to view my collection of dvds, something that may take me away from this state of limbo where i am trapped in a situation where i have no choice but to stay in this position of utter solitary confinement.
Nonetheless this is the time where i find myself wandering aimlessly deep within the caverns of my own mentality, to ponder once again on questions that i seek answers for. It's this curiosity that drives me to continuously want to discover new things and to learn new lessons that i can personally develop from.
One certain topic that I have come across that is continually mis-interpreted time and time again is the physical and visual appearance of individuals in todays society. The media has portrayed some sort of stereotypical image into peoples minds that make them believe that a particular physical shape and style of clothing are the only things socially accepted, and that anything that falls outside of that circle of normality is placed in a shadow of exclusion. This is not only wrong but mentally juvenile, how can one be judged by appearance alone as appearance may only make less than 1% of a persons overall personality. It is a way to express ones personal oppinions and feelings through external visual material that is only just that, material.
When it comes to physicality, size by no means determines ones place in society, scientifically it only serves a part to attract the opposite sex, a way of natural selection in nature, the fittest males are the ones to be able to mate. But in modern society excluding individuals for their physical size is down right rude, why should people be placed in such a socially unaccepted predicament just because of their appearance. People should learn to see past all external observations and to realise that there is so much more to a person than what they seem.
I think all this argumentative writing has taken a tole on my ability to keep awake. My mind feels like it has been running continuously in circles and has finally come to an abrupt stop, it slightly lags as one thought follows the next. My muscles start to feel weak and lifelessly numb as fatigue sets in, my eyes half open struggling to keep the concentration on the screen. Its about time i place myself in the comfort of my bed.. in the hopes of being wistfully taken away on that voyage of sleep and to finally arive to the sunrise of an early morning.. goodnight
Its amazing how one can stand tall after having fallen down so hard, to realize that it really isn't the end of the world.. I guess in the words of Alicia Keys, "Falling down aint falling down if you don't cry when you hit the floor" . Its just the pain of being on the floor that tends to pull all situations into shadows of pessimistic exaggerations. That every scenario summoned ends with a false hope of compromise and tears off with a lack of remuneration.
Although falling does produce unimaginable pain, the climb back up to your feet ultimately leaves you feeling more content than anything in the world. As rising only makes you stronger and leaves you with a mentality that prepares you for the next jump.. its just a matter of taking that chance once again to hope for a happy landing..
So in a way i am glad to have fallen so hard.. its helped me realize how deep my cavern really is and the possibilities of falling deeper.. and I guess time will always play a major role in alleviating the symptoms of pain, and we can only thank god for that..
It really is a shame.. holding onto something you thought was worth everything but find it letting go of you suddenly.. when feelings you thought were set in concrete break apart and sink quickly in sand.. it makes you realize its real value.. and although depression encompassed its tight grip onto my heart, a weight in my chest was released.. a weight that hoped possibly for resolution..a weight that beared the pain and reminiscence.. as the realization of being unable to change the unchangeable set in.. rain began to fall.. but the hope of sunlight begins..
As with every individual, all live life learning from mistakes and experiences.. and with every lesson learned.. you begin to come to terms with what life is..and how to deal with its trials and hardships.. but when it comes to this situation..there is only one regret that i will always have.. my lack of affection and expressing my feelings.. as i have come to realize they play such an vital role in a relationship..
I am in dire need of new shoes!!! as my previous beloved ones are slowly fading away as did its beloved predecessor. I have the tendency to buy shoes that i am completely infatuated with and then completely wear it out until random unknown individuals start to complement on its wear and tear. My motive is if you spend over 100 dollars on shoes, you use it until you lose it, losing it implying of its continuous physical deterioration to the point where it begins to have holes and the leather begins to tear. This happens to all my shoes, specially to the ones i spend the majority of my financial earnings on, they cop the most beating. I'm hoping to save money so i can buy a whole range of expensive shoes where deterioration may be spread across evenly resulting in longer lasting shoes.
i seriously need to purchase more shoes.. my range is as wide as my knowledge of different languages, which is about 3. =\ . . i have decided tomorrow will be the day i purchase myself two new shoes, one dangerously expensive and one extremely cheap. I figure i can use the cheap one more on a daily basis while the other i can save for special occasions.. im just hoping my pay arrives on time, which i highly doubt because my boss is to lazy to pay his employees on time and if in the most likely event of it happening im going to have to say .. bye bye shoes. as theres another weight on my hip pocket nerve that i must resolve.. one that cannot be said but will soon be purchased all for the one person i want to strangle at times..sigh.. fun fun fun.. anyway till next timee.
Christmas.. a time for family and friends.. a day to realise that any problem is worth putting aside to truly appreciate what ones given. This is easier said than done.. especially when problems have been forced under a pool of emotions for so long to only resurface lifeless and numb.. its been faced countless of times.. each reoccuring effort pushed back down to drown. Its hope lies deep..deep in the darkness of uncertainty where it continues to fall.. and the realisation that its never going to change draws it nearer to its end.
At this point there is no fighting it.. the thread has been damaged and the connection will soon cease to exist. This has been anticipated for quite sometime.. and the weight it bears will not be removed from my shoulders but from my heart.. one can only take so much pain before pain itself consumes the soul.. where it leaves you.. empty..
Being pessimistic to me is being realistic.. and without a doubt i have no intentions of going back.. back to that place where i felt secure, where standing in its shadow gave me a sense of pride.. pride to be apart of such a thing.. but growing up has taught me that obligation is by no means a subtle form of love, but an aweful excuse for a substitute..
These past two months have been full of much fun, excitement, performances, depression, anger, realisation and contentment all mixed together with the emulsification of alcohol. oh how i love the holidays! but sadly this month is the final month of freedom.. and the semester of stress related thinking begins..
fellow sleeperies
It is only a matter of a few weeks before i step into that lecture theatre once again ready to slide myself into a mental coma where my body remains and my free spirited consciousness takes flight. As much as i try to fight it, the lazy bastard in me grabs hold of my throat and squeezes the life out of me. Im hopeful to depend on my friends to motivate me and occasionally poke me with a stick when my eyes slowly shut, they are the only ones to stop the transition between the world of unmotivated attention and the blissful world of siesta.
During these holidays i have also realised the importance of communication, that subtle forms of attention may bring forth constant reminders of ones affection and love to another, and once this connection is ceased, it abruptly brings forth an image of an unwanted figure that lingers for the purpose of lingering. With every effort placed there is no reaction with every cause there is no affect, it is hard to keep hold of ones feelings when the other is so far away.. when one keeps constant reminders and works greatly to make their other half content but to only find themselves being abandoned and surrounded by a subtle but deadly form of ignorance. Understanding can be so hard for people, they find it difficult to process anothers intents and feelings and cannot read into their bodily language as well as others. But only time can teach such lessons as with time comes wisdom but in this case, me thinks much more time is needed..
