back and painting .two large canvases on the go at once,my mother is visiting and im all inspired lately.Operation and such like went well and have recouped well enough and now its down to creating and reading more and less time worrying about crap and small stuff.Im interested in doing a whole series on uber internet celebrities.whole large portraits of people otherwise unheard of in the"general"community.loads of ideas and plans in my head all ready to hatch and wreak havoc and chaos !pandora's box is loaded with acrylics.
oh tiresome blues..begone thy feathered harpy!!i feel like im projecting a past romantic life! at long last i started writing!! by no means am i even remotely schooled in how but i shall try and learn all i can..books etc.what i do "know"as in my art is not ,simply not to look at toomuch of other's works-rather establish my own "voice"so yes witha glass of port and the soundtrack to "perfume story of a murderer"blaring in my ears i thus began my first chapter and here it comes please dont get cross.childhood.i hear you scream.cliche!!!! well clint where should i begin??backwards??or from the beginning??
to hades with tiffany's,one should breakfast like a godess every morning and with that intro that ,amongst my deep set blue funk is the one thing i remember about being "young" and full of the spark of life as it were.That indominable spirit that seems to shout ..i am here and every minute every hour is sacrosant and its forever.wel it's not and i am feeling the brunt of loserville in my head and time seems to trickle by at an alarming rate.
Above all i invoke images and "memoy clips"of my life and the heels at breakfast came to me like a crashing thud saying'yes that was you,funny ,and effervescent,young and ever willing to be myself at all costs..even if it meant throwing on an art deco robe slipping into black heels and sashaying to the kitchen.Brewing my stronger than strong italian coffee and warming a croissant.This is my memore -clip and my bf. at the time was aghast at such "feminine" silliness.Now i feel utterly void and knee deep in a loss of self.
I cannot seem to write to read but somehow i paint.albeit sparingly and devoid of passioni long for those heels and perhaps its a metaphor for looking ever back at who i was and needing that paul back again.not this shell of a person that is zombified on drugs and wallowing in my own stench of self-pity and illnesses.For sometime i've had hep c and learned to live withit but i feel that accompanied with mental illness is taking a large toll and methinks the meds are not helping.Not smoking or drinking has helped but now im informed that im "bleeding'from somewhere and my heomogloben tests are extremely low.well that sounds utterly fab!now i apprently need an intrusive colonoscopy to look forward to(not exactly the sort of intrusion one looks forward to)
Well i have digressed,its a combination of not havingwritten for some time and not creating!i dont know how to cope,i see life ebbing by and me not "init"a sort os comfortable -ennui has entrenched itself and made a nest of my psyche.dang that luvox!! i am changing meds methinks and get back to a paul that was a tad more creative.i need"me"back.
that girly fag boy who ate breakfast with heels needs to sauter back into exhistence and soon!
I HOPE my post wasnt far too banal or self -pitious.if anythingwhy not just "share"instead of letting the pain and the dark win.Sounds cliched but i feel like an utter lost person.a failure.im neither a writer a well known painter or accomplished much except letting time fly by.im alone and feel frightened of mortality.human nes pas.geesh ok i must stop or i will just be ventilating and not very well at that.
Lets just put this down as a first in an awakening journal ,the heels queen cometh!!!
love.the princess of the void...oh the anguish oh the heartache!! at least i tak ethe piss! its a great way of coping an dsurviving loneliness....
who can say what time dreams come to you whether it is early -to-mid-morning or in between.What i do know is that i had one of "those"dreams.Where you absolutely start to beleive that you have fallen into an alternate reality,and one that is so deep rooted and filled with a happiness long gone-no-less-cherished.Gone.simple.But,it was there,in todd-0-rama abd tactile so much so that i feaked out.Let me spill the beans,i dreampt of my "ex" Richard and the relationship ended some ten years ago now.Yea i hear ya..long time eh? and it is so frustratingly painful still ,especially when you dream that you're laying next to them.,which i did,we were in bed faced apart and i reached over and just held his hand which is always nearly placed on his hip.he clasped mine gently but with strength and said something like..'im not asleep..i love you."it was a moment that i felt such hap[piness in and then the lucid part crept in an dsuddenly i thought.."no" this isnt right and i was angry and sad at the knowledge i was dreaming only,for i felt so deep into this other realm and i felt everything even smelled him ,the sheets ,the room the familiar.Fuck i miss him still.I dont know how much longer i can keep up this loneliness.My pills feel awful and i cannot concentrate well.forever berating myself for the past an dfor being a "failure"where do dreams go???how do we come full stop??is it just a choice??i guess so.all i know i si miss touch,warmth,hugging holding hands..love pure and fucking simple.i miss beingloved and just "being"i had this little thing back then in the day that i "captured"moments..let me explain..i always knew time passed too quickly and moments like being with richard i "recorded"and kept in store.beleiving that if i did so it would be forever with me.that moment .that time and space where everything stops and then it whirls out of perspective...time doesnt heal folks.it merely band-aids.
Do we get a second chance???i hope so.my time hasnt ended yet.i hope.i want so much.i want to keep going.Mental and physical illness is a struggle right now.
That last post was what??ok im going to write a bit better and hopefully this time without all my wondrous type-os .is that how you say it??geesh even my language is deteriorating.It's on eof those days folkettes,went to the doctors and was prescribed even stronger anti-depressants(well i gotta try somethin")i went on halves for a bit only because i was arrogant enough to self-medicate and that was wrong of me.So spank me please! i just got off the phone to dear friend who is a mother of 3 and going through a similar depression and we chat back and forth,not always "oh im so-glum woe is me banter"but ways in which we could get out o f it as it were.Both of us have met for a reason and as cliched as that is its the basic truth in my life anyway.Also i just informed her that i received a comment from Clint and she was like..wow!! really??she only knows about clint from me raving about him(and if you read this clint baby)im tellin ya now im gonna meet you one day!!im positive!no matter how random or od dthat seems i want to chat for hours and wax lyrical about anything and everything.ok???well live it baby.smiles.
So i been really friggin'lazy and it took my friend clint to tell me that one!!oh and apparently i get bonus points for having Cotton mouth kisses amongst my fave books!(i still keep it so i dont have to return it)won't someone send me a copy???hint!! anyhoo it's been a few weeks of non-entity depression and lacklustre art.yea i know ,im being a whinger(aussie slang) and i should just get a life but when ya suffer from mental and physical illness it doesn't matter what good there is it just envelops one to such an extent that i call it my chicken of doom.I picture a dark fowl nestling at the foot of the bed at night and waking me in the morning just to tell me im a failure!!horrid chicken of woeful tidings.
Are you one of those people that can just dissapear into another ephemeral world when your'e plugged in??ie.I-pod cassete walkman(for those that havent achieved uber status with the new fangled gizmos)or discman??well i am,Frequently to escape and simply tun eout i don my i-river and walk about in my own world where i star in fashion shows ,video clips,meet people i would mayb enever meet and come up with ideas about this that and always the other.
Today was no exception and i was glad to "live"a little today ,as in depression and illness didnt come into play making for a brighter day when the senses flowed freely,i felt the sun and felt the breeze.,everything seemed to "glow"yes my happy pills kicked in and thank the godess!i digressed,ok ok the inner music life,i think im far from being alone in this and even before drugs and any other substance i had my best ideas "under the influence"of music and that inner world i lived in when the world seemed atrociously awful,dull,quiet and just plain sucked!
Virtually i can "see"and feel everything i do when i get that way like a lucid dream but awake.Ideas flow so freely and then i lose them,thoughts words get lost and i never write them down and think well that just really takes the biscuit!a friend told me that ideas and concepts if u channel them into the other "realm"yea ok im not high! that they get picked-up-used and then you se eit or hear it and go..wtf???? ha sthis happened to you??i think its universal,like reading a book and going ,omg this is so me-this happend -to me!!or such like.
hello and greetings to fellow uber fellows and girliries.My name is "princess paul"yes yes i know ho wit sounds,let me explain,some time ago in a land far far away known as my youth i befriended a rather amazing person named paul and a fellow scorpio,withtales of a fabulous life he told me of a transgendered friend of his known as mauritia de vinter heiress to a sardine fortune a little camp fun and frivolity and last year it only dawned on me that every boy girl and their emo dog was calling themself "princess"and i joined in rather foolishly it seemed and it stuck!oddly i found out recently its far from original and an emerging artist(emerging from where or what i ask you??)is named princess paulie!!yes can you beleive it??
So im wondering do i change it??i wonder as i simply feel odd and silly keeping it up.never mind its fun while its here and why ever not anyway>?so im an old bird with a silly name old old/?did i say that??back to the restylane and botox treatments.Oh yes im an artist( a rather lazy and not acclaimed as yet but am working on an ambition to be slightly known and live comfortably within that and also to be ludicruously wealthy and hobnob with the likes of Clint C atalyst ,design sets for jared gold and such luminaries.Who knows??dreams are what life is made of.sounds very sugar-spun -sweet invective but its true to my life.Ok thats me for an intro.hope to blog again tomorrow,uber and out.
You know, it's people like you who make it worth my while to subject myself to the negative shit. (Blog going up in a few; THEN you'll understand.) x o x
Thanks, sweetness! // It's all the result of the beauties at Hairroin... I've got a red velvet crush on those scissor-wieldin' geniuses! // And while your Edie background is gorge, I gotta admit it's a total 'trigger' for me. // The line about "strawberries" immediately comes to mind from Ciao!Manhattan -- you know the one... about "the ultimate all-time high?" // Immediately, my ears start ringing and I'm overcome by a state of vertiginous fluster// And even if I take as small as action as navigate away from your page, or wander across the world to the farthest corner: I'm all too aware that now that I've had more than just a taste. but a full-on lapping at the pleasure zone of my brain that there's an insatiable hunger for more: // Lick again... Lick again...// And it'll never. Ever. Stop.
You wanna be nearer the top? // It's so secret how that's achieved, princess... // log on and comment me here (as well as my blogs on 'Renegades of Style') more regularly. // Oh and, it doesn't hurt if you want to be among *my* 'Top F(r)iends' that you-- AHEM-- HAVE ME IN *YOURS,* DARLIN'...
Oh darlin'...let's not even get started on the "broke artist" tip. // If I told you my financial sitch at the moment, you'd think I'm B.S.ing you-- SERIOUSLY. // We can worry about the painting when and if I'm even *semi* solvent... for now, thanks for the birthday wishes, and "Let's not talk about despair!" // x o x o x
Um, HELLO! It doesn't hurt to use this site now that you're "up on it," sweetness... (Oh and, just saw that you have Cottonmouth Kisses listed under your favorite books. How many bonus points do you get for THAT one, my friend? heh heh heh...)
